kyoon naa main aatmahatyaa kar loon ???

vo shaam kaa vakt thaa , main se jmaane kee bhaagadaud se kahee door tanahaiyo men baithaa, apanee jindagee kaa hisaab kitaab kar rahaa thaa, soch rahaa thaa ke mainne is duniyaa men kyaa khoyaa aur kyaa paayaa ???doobate hue sooraj kee lon meree aakhon se takaraa rahee thee, aur mere aansoo meree aakhon kaa saath chhod rahe the, man men hajaaron savaal daud rahe the, mere saath hee aesaa kyoon huaa ? hameshaa mere saath hee aesaa kyoon hotaa hai ? bhagavan tum ne mere saath aesaa kyoon kiyaa ? fir achanak mere man men ek savaal aayaa ? kyoon naa men aatmahatyaa kar loo ???mere pal bhar ke is faisale ne mujhe kuchh sochane ko majaboor kar diyaa ? agar men mar gayaa to kyaa hogaa??? mere ghar men mere antim snskaar kee tayaaree chal rahee hai , mere bujurg pitaa kaa chaharaa maayoos hai unakee aankhe patthar ho gayee hai , jis umr men unhen mere saath kee jroorat hai maine chhod diyaa hai , vo kisee tarahaa bas khud ko snbhaale hue hai ? bas unhen ab isee gm se jeenaa hai,doosaree taraf vo jisane mujhe naazo se paalaa,meree har chhotee badee jid ko pooree karatee rahee , meree har galatiyon ko maaf karatee rahee , bas mujhe khush dekhane ke lie pataa naheen usane kyaa kyaa kiyaa , meree maan ...usake aasoon to jese thamane kaa naam hee naheen le rahe hai , ro-ro ke usane apanaa buraa haal kar liyaa hai , use ab bhee yakeen naheen hai ke mai ab is duniyaa men naheen hoon ?? use ab bhee aisaa lagataa hai ke mai abhee uth jaaoongaa aur kahoongaa ...maan... ??? meree naadaan maan ??? kitane sapane dekhe the mere lie ? mainne sab tod die.. unake sare aramaano kaa galaa ghot diyaa ... naa jaane ab vo is haadase ko kab bhoolengee ??? shaayad saaree jindagee naheen !kuchh bheed see dikhee , bheed ke beech men meraa maayoos bhaaee nam aakhe lie mere kuchh azeez doston ko kuchh bataa rahaa thaa ? sab bahut udaas the , dukhee the , sabako mujhe khone kaa gm thaa ? bahut se log mujhase bahut see baate kahanaa kahate the ? lekin afasos main to is duniyaa men naheen thaa , main door khadaa sab dekh rahaa thaa , apane kiye par sharmindaa thaa , apane kiye kee maafee chaahataa thaa , mujhe apane maataa pitaa kee peedaa dekhee naheen jaa rahee thee , doston ko khone kaa gm sataa rahaa thaa , lekin mujhe maafee naheen mil rahee thee, kyoon kee main is duniyaa men thaa hee naheen !!!itanaa soch meraa badan kaapane lagaa , maine apanaa sar upar kiyaa to dekhaa sooraj doob chookaa thaa , timatimaate taare aur dhundalaa saa chaand dikhaa, mainne apanee nam aakhon ko pochhaa, mujhe apane us savaal par pachhataavaa huaa , aur fir mere man men ek savaal aayaa ? meree ek jindagee kitanee jindagiyon se judee hai ? meree jindagee mere lie hee naheen dusaro le lie bhee hai mere apanon ke lie bhee hai aur unakaa ye hak main unase bhalaa kaise chheen sakataa hoon !!!{{{ yah lekh ek kaalpanik saty hai , is tarah ke vichaar agar aap ke man men ho to kripaa kar ise nikaal de , ham aap ke aabhaaree honge , }}}